But You Smell So Delicious!

On Sunday, I went to the Upright Citizens Brigade improv show, Asssscat 3000 in New York. It features some people from SNL, 30 Rock, and each week, a guest “monologist.” An audience member yells out a topic, and the guest gives a monologue on said topic, which is then the basis for the improv act. My friend Lori’s pal Samm (from Freaks and Geeks) was the guest last week, and he reserved us some seats for the show this week. Bear with me, this is long, but sadly indicative of M. G. A. L. Also, I thought to write it down so I don't forget details..

We arrive at the theatre, and there’s a mini row of five seats reserved, but there’re only four of us, sooo... empty seat. And I’m on the end. Enter That Guy, who, in retrospect, bears a remarkable resemblance to that giggly fellow from the Volkswagen commercial. Round around the edges, obnoxious but definitely not infectious laugh, had half a six-pack stuffed his shorts pockets and obviously downed the other half on the way to the show. Yet, inexplicably, he smelled delicious, like Cinnabons.

That Guy would not shut up. Before the show, at slow moments in the show, during intermission. After the killer opening line, “Nice glasses,” That Guy proceeds to tell me He’s been to this show every week for like, the past month, and Woah! Hey, isn’t that the guy from Freaks and Geeks and Didn’t he do the monologue last week, Cool, he was hilarious, Oh, you're visiting from Chicago? I’m from Indiana, Ever go to Improv Olympic? Man I love that nut place, New York's the best, I just moved into this new place, really more like an artist’s loft so I can, you know, set up my drums because I used to play in a band, in Indiana, So like, do you do art? Yeah, MOMA, Richard Serra, he does those little miniature box things right? No, oh yeah, well, I just finished fixing up my bike, You bike? Cool, yeah, I just sawed off my handlebars and flipped them over, it’s so sweet...

Sweet like Cinnabon breath!

Cut to the second act. That Guy with his That Laugh, decides to yell out this act’s monologue topic, MACGYER! to which the guest responds, What the motherfuck? But, props to our host, he pulls it off and makes me a pee a little. About a minute and a half into his tale, I look over and That Guy is passed the eff out, like, head rolled into the row behind us passed out. He saddles this poor dude with a bullshit topic then checks out.

That Guy remains unconscious throughout the entire second act, through uproarious laughter I might add. The show ends, hands clap, lights come up, and That Guy finally emerges from his slumber, does a big bear stretch and yawn, turns to me and says,

“Do you want to add me on MySpace?”

This, this is what hits on me these days.


Ad. i: During this little escapade, Lori is trying to save me, but failing because she’s not trying that hard. I bring her up to speed while we’re in the bathroom. A girl in the next stall is giggling along because, well, shit was funny. She leaves first. We get outside, and That Girl is about twenty feet ahead of us, walking with THAT GUY.

Ad. ii: At intermission, This Girl sitting in front of us turns around and says to Samm, “You don’t know this, but we’re MySpace friends.”